Things I’ve learned from My Morning Jacket’s “Evil Urges”

My good friend married his high school sweetheart, also my good friend. They started seeing each other his junior year, her sophomore year. They went to different colleges and while everyone, including myself, waited for the phone call pronouncing their breakup, they instead grew closer and closer, despite becoming almost completely different people. Mark grew his hair long and started smoking pot. He got a hampster, named it Shirley and fed it corn. He bought every Phish CD in existence. Jen joined the field hockey team. She went to wine and cheese parties and out GPA-ed all her biology-major counterparts. She ran for school treasurer and won.

They’d alternate weekend visits. People that hadn’t know them during their high school days hid their shock during introductions. Even those who did were amazed Mark and Jen had made it so far. How could two people who had grown so opposite from each other, who spent their days in two different atmospheres, still love each other, still make it work? What was left?

For a long time, I didn’t know how they did it. Then I heard “Evil Urges.”

Much like Radiohead, My Morning Jacket is a shapeshifter. Each album they’ve put out sounds completely different from its predecessor. Their sound is nearly impossible to categorize they’ve altered it so much. Sometimes I’ll put on It Still Moves and sincerely ask myself how Evil Urges is the same band. They’ve gone from pure country jam band rock to something indefinable, a mixture of influences from all over the musical spectrum. In doing so, they became something I’d never imagine, something I may have never thought I’d enjoy. But I do enjoy My Morning jacket. A lot. And the fact that their evolution hasn’t turned me off actually says more about my feelings for them then if they’d just stayed the same and made it easy on me.

Turns out, all along, Mark and Jen were onto something.

#15: I need to visit a library ASAP.

#14: Jim James is Ronnie Von Zant, the lead singer of Mew, Prince, James Taylor and the howl of a motorcycle on a desolate road wrapped up in a flannel logger’s shirt stained with gasoline and PBR.

#13: Quickly, someone touch this guy! Wait, don’t!

#12: Nothing conveys wariness like maniacal laughing.

#11: Earning appreciation is as easy as considering another.

#10: There are reasons to be amazed all around us, even when channel surfing.

#9: Admit it, most urges are evil.

#8: I was 17 in 1997. That’s only 11 years ago. It really isn’t that long ago for everything that has happened since. It’s scary to think about what the next 11 years will hold.

#7: I still can’t figure out if the man on the album cover is staring at me or if his back is turned. And I don’t know what’s creepier. Not to mention I’m convinced he’s that lazy-eyed murderer from a movie I can’t quite remember.

#6: If you wish to freak someone out before leaving a room, gradually lower your voice then scream like someone cut your arm off.

#5: 3:03 on the title track is where the hot shit goes down.

#4: Trailer parks are a lot more fun than I’d imagined.

#3: I don’t feel complete when I hear “Sec Walkin” unless I’m chewing on a strand of grain.

#2: I know TwoGirlsOneCup really fucked me up just by my reaction to “peanut butter pudding surprise.”

#1: I’m equally confused, frightened, enamored and aroused. What an album.

Things I’ve learned from “Step Brothers”

If we’re judging by the past two movies I’ve seen in the theater, parents have completely lost it. 

I saw “Step Brothers” last night.  Hilarious.  I’ll get into my thoughts in a second.  But first I have to sadly report that the exact same thing happened during that movie that did during “The Dark Knight”.  Two young women sat in front of me.  They had with them a 4-year-old. Yes, four.  These women actually brought a child still in diapers to an “R” rated movie that, if you’ve seen it, derserves every bit of that rating.  Sitting behind them and watching them laugh at the obscenity on screen and indulge their baby companion to do the same was horrific.  And, again like last time, one of the older women talked on her cell phone a few times during the movie.  The whole display was appalling.

When this happened at “The Dark Knight,” I was likewise dumbfounded.  But at least that movie is rated “PG-13″ and the major issue with a child watching it is he or she getting scared or seeing violent images (inappropriate in their own way, of course).   ”Step Brothers,” however, is a completely and utterly unacceptable movie to bring a child to.  There is no caveat.  There is no excuse.  It is raunchy, lewd and sexually explicit and no person under 10, let alone 5, should be permitted to see it.  The fact that these two women not only permitted a child to see it but enabled and encouraged her to do so is inexcusable and, frankly, abusive. 

I’m a Democrat.  A liberal.  I’m not religious.  Freedom of speech and all other freedoms are sacred to me, even if those freedoms might offend another.  I have no prejudices, I swear.  To each his own.  But it’s outrageous that parents or relatives are bringing children under 5 to adult movies.  It’s disgraceful, irresponsible, ignorant and shameful. 

People who do this: stop.  If you witness people doing this, tell them to stop.  I’m upset with myself for not heeding my own advice.  If it happens again, however, I won’t hesitate.  Three strikes you’re out. 

Now, if you’ve made it this far, thanks.  I’ll try to end on a lighter note: testicles on a drum set.  Just one of the many hysterical moments in “Step Brothers.” Was it as good as “Anchorman?” No.  But that movie sets the bar pretty high.  It was definitely better than “Talladega Nights.”  I’d watch it again.  Let me tell you about some things I’ve learned.

#20: Any jackass can produce a rap video.

#19: People that lease or sell helicopters are pricks.

#18: From the previews alone, I predict “Tropic Thunder” will be the funniest movie ever made.

#17: It takes less than two minutes to dig a six foot hole.

#16: Farting = eternal entertainment.

#15: If you’re seeking your first sexual experience, punch a woman’s obnoxious husband in the face.

#14: 40-year-old men who live at home own awesome tee-shirts.

#13: Do not attempt to build a bunk bed with a hockey stick.

#12: Many elegant restuarants are equipped with built-in projection screens.

#11: Most little kids are punks.

#10: Depending on the lighting, older women can either look sexy or like a leather-faced hag.

#9: Anything sung in Italian is moving.

#8: A blind man’s dog has full reign of the neighborhood.

#7: Enterprise has a stellar manager-in-training program.

#6: You’ll get away with more shenanigans if one of your parents once aspired to be a large reptile.

#5: If you live with a sleepwalker, refrain from haphazerdly turning on the oven.

#4: Co-flying a kite is an extremely bonding experience.

#3: Don’t teach your boy “Sweet Child O’ Mine” before his voice changes.

#2: Until witnessing it on video, the destruction of a beloved object can go unnoticed – even if that object is 40 feet long.  

#1: If you plan on covering Billy Joel songs, learn his entire catalog.

Things I’ve Learned from “Intervention”

My girlfriend needs an intervention from “Intervention.” Every time she comes over – about three or four times a week – she insists I check On Demand for any new episodes. Good luck talking to her on Monday nights from 8 to 10.  You’d think someone just swung a pocket watch in front of her. She watches repeats like it’s the first time she’s seen them. I swear this show is heroin without those unsightly arm bruises.

It didn’t take me long to get swept into the mess. By now, we’ve seen every single episode. Many multiple times. When you showcase humanity at it lowest, most depraved point, how the hell can’t you watch? It’s the perfect storm. A&E also does a good job of not exploiting these people (well, as much as you can’t exploit drug addicts). You really feel bad for them; you want them to overcome their vices. You want to be a witness to a person’s redemption. You see these people at their absolute worst, you see them destroying their bodies, and you are so fascinated while doing so that by the time the show’s over, when the update appears on your TV screen, you really do care if they fell back into coke or bulimia or pulled themselves out and got back to the person displayed in the old baby photos. Sometimes, shit, you get goosebumps.

There’s also something undeniably captivating about watching people slowly kill themselves.

This one goes out to my old lady.

#15: An ungodly stench coming from someone’s trunk may not be a dead body; it might be a bucket of puke.

#14: Living amid piles of trash, clothes and overturned furniture does not decrease a eyebrow-less naked blonde girl’s self-esteem.

#13: Just because you’re homeless doesn’t mean you can’t host a steak barbeque.

#12: Spending hours pursuing artistic endeavors is statisfying even if you have no idea what your intentions were come morning. 

#11: Rich kids love oxycontin.

#10: Nothing goes better with eggs than a handle of Smirnoff.

#9: Surprise, surprise: no one is ever addicted to weed.

#8: More often than not, the actual intervention is lame.

#7: Watching someone black out on the floor of your garage and then be carried off by their greiving parents is no excuse not to welcome them back a half-hour later with a bottle of gin.

#6: Needles + ragged veins = shivers down spine.

#5: Most families love their relatives “like crazy.”

#4: Is it bad that the alcoholics make me crave a beer?

#3: Someone always has to be the asshole parent.

#2: Candy Finnegan is weird-looking.

#1: Drugs are bad for you…but make for highly entertaining television.

Things I’ve learned from “The Dark Knight”

I swore I wasn’t going to cave in to the pulverizing temptation to blog about what I learned from the most creepily-anticipated movie ever made, “The Dark Knight.”  I promised myself I would not allow the phenomenom of the morbid to sweep me up in its black cape.  I would not ride the coattails of a dead antagonist.  But, alas, my struggle was pointless. 

I just saw “The Dark Knight” and it was very good.  It wasn’t “oh-my-god-someone-smack-me-in-the-face-with-a-wet-wash-cloth” good.  It wasn’t “let’s-go-out-for-drinks-and-talk-about-it-until-3-in-the-morning” good.  It was just very good.  And I say this despite the fact that two women in their late thirties sat in front of me with – no kidding – five children under 6-years-old.  The little girl of the group was no older than 3 and remained in her mother’s arms the entire movie.  The rest of the gang used their part of the aisle as a personal living room, sprawling out on the floor and exchanging seats at will.  One young lady who wished to get by was barred from doing so and had to turn around and walk out the other way – a much longer journey.  Oh, and the older women without the sleeping 3-year-old draped on her chest talked on her cell phone three seperate times during the actual movie.    They were rude, loud, and brought little children to a film they in no way could follow.  Basically, these people violated every rule of movie-going behavior.   

And I still was able to get swept up in “The Dark Knight.”

That says a lot.  There was so much to like about it.  And some things not to like.  And, yes, fine, Heath Ledger was awesome as The Joker, just in case you haven’t heard that already.  So, without further ado, allow me to cross over to the dark side and give you what I tried hard not to: what I’ve learned from “The Dark Knight.”

#25: The presence of a flaming firetruck in the middle of the street while transporting an individual marked for death is business as usual.

#24: If a nurse is wearing a uniform, he or she can gain access to a patient – even if that nurse is an obvious sociopath.

#23: Don’t drink alcohol when your life has been threatened.

#22: It’s okay to inexplicably unfasten a terrorist’s handcuffs. 

#21: “Why so serious?” Because you want to kill me.

#20: If you decide to participate in an elaborate bank robbery, become proficient at a variety of skills.

#19: When a demented man wearing makeup sticks a strange cylindrical object in your mouth, look dumbfounded and frightened instead of simply removing the object.

#18: To avoid facial disfiguration, always smile.

#17: Your level of intensity is directly related to the depth of your voice.

#16: Motorcycles with gigantic tires can climb walls.

#15: An average-looking woman has more appeal to fabulously wealthy and famous men than a bevy of stunningly hot hard-bodied chicks.

#14: Thinking on it, the bat suit is goofy.

#13: Instead of installing a metal detector, have a single man enforce a no cell phone policy.  The need for a frisking is also unnecessary.

#12: The final requirement to plunge into an abyss of madness is a partially burned face.

#11: Policemen are corrupt.

#10: A man who creates absurb contraptions for the use of an erratic and violent vigilant frowns upon heavy surveillance.

#9: Instead of telling someone you’d like to meet them at nine or utilizing cell phone technology, shine a caricature of them into the sky.

#8: When evacuating a city, start with a boatload of proven criminals.

#7: When one barrel of gasoline isn’t enough, use 300.

#6: It is acceptable to trust a single Asian with your entire fortune.

#5: If someone demands a coin toss to determine your fate, examine said coin first.

#4: If there is any doubt about a person’s insanity, see how they react when asked to set a mountain of cash on fire.

#3: Rich people have it made.

#2: When processing fat people into prison, check their stomachs for the protrusion of electronic devices.

#1: Don’t bring your goddamn toddlers to PG-13 movie at 9 o’clock on a Sunday.

Things I’ve learned from “Wall-E”

Even though I’m 28, I love Pixar movies. I was hooked ever since I saw the first “Toy Story.” That movie revolutionized the animated film, in some ways for the worse as studios no longer hand-draw their illustrations. It’s all on the computer. I think that’s kind of sad because some of the best animated films are the old-fashioned kind: “The Little Mermaid,” “Beauty and the Beast,” Aladdin,” etc. But we all must adapt to technology, and if they can produce such amazing visuals with computer programs, I’m all for it.

My favorite Pixar movies, besides “Toy Story,” are “Monsters, Inc.,” “Finding Nemo” and “Ratatouille.” But really, they’re all good. Except “Wall-E.” That movie blew. And I say this with a heavy heart.

I had such high hopes when I entered the theater. I was really looking forward to “Wall-E,” and from all the reviews I read, I had every right to be. The first half-hour or so met all my expectations. Some spectacular things were taking place, all backed by a beautiful near silence. Then, just like that, everything fell apart. It became silly, mindless, and needlessly action-packed with stupid jokes and an annoying plot. I actually wanted to leave but stuck it out due to my respect for Pixar and the joy they’d given me for years.

Why did “Wall-E” fall flat on its face? Why did it creators decide to completely abandon the beauty the first half-hour was built on and instead chock it full of cliches and nonsense? I really don’t know. Maybe they felt they had to dumb it down for kids. Maybe they thought the message they were trying to send – more like trying to beat you over the head with – was enough to hold the movie together on its own, damn the clever script and subtly. Whatever it was, it did nothing for me at all, and the run of spectacular Pixar movies came to an end. Critics are telling everyone otherwise but don’t believe them. “Wall-E” sucked. And I may have learned more from it because it did.

#15: Not even Pixar can make a cockroach cute.

#14: If a robot somehow learns your name, it will recite it ad nauseum.

#13: The development of hovering motorcrafts that provide every possible desire is somehow a bad thing.

#12: A tiny robot can build perfectly proportioned buildings from trash that architects would take years to create.

#11: It is charming when your love interest shoots earth-shattering laser beams at you.

#10: If you wish to nurture a indestructible plant, stick it in the fridge.

#9: You can score oval-shaped chicks by being a packrat.

#8: A futuristic, high-tech ship operated entirely by robots still needs an incompetent human pilot.

#7: Fat people roll fast.

#6: When someone wants to hold you hand, hold their damn hand.

#5: You don’t need to ensure food, water, a job, a suitable home or even a change of clothes when convincing strangers to return to a ravaged planet.

#4: Robot healthcare is just as shoddy as ours’.

#3: The Rubix Cube will never die.

#2: BJ’s and Sam’s Club are pissed off.

#1: Don’t worry about littering, some electronic device will eventually pick it up.

Things I’ve learned from “Predator”

When I was in college, we used to do an impression of a line from “Predator”: “Quickly, everyone, get to the chopper.” It was of course awash in Arnold’s signature accent and – aside from the one, constant pronunciation of “chopper” as “choppa” – everyone had a different way of inflection. We eventually learned that the line actually goes “Run! Get to the chopper!” which wasn’t nearly as funny. So we kept saying it in our own way. The fact that we’d made an icon from a line that didn’t really exist was never disappointing at all. Nor did it diminish how great a movie we thought – and I still think – “Predator” is. Because there are plenty of awesome, accurate lines to make up for it.

Many of these amazing quotes come courtesy of once-Governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura – especially on the initial sequence’s helicopter ride. Apollo Creed has a decent amount, too, and of course Schwartzy holds his own. Even some secondary characters get in the act. And that’s the great thing about “Predator”: not only are there hysterical lines that are fully and perpetually quotable, there’s kickass action sequences and enough suspense to make your anus clench.

And with that great intro, on to what I’ve learned.

#15: Two absurdly muscular men, upon a renewed acquaintance, must join hands forcefully and flex.

#14: To appear rugged, chew on the stub of a barely-lit cigar.

#13: Somewhere in outer space, boars are evolving – and getting uglier – in efforts to overtake the world.

#12: The pinnacle of love-making is to equal the skills of a short-armed dinosaur.

#11: Acting like you don’t speak English can’t fool a swollen Austrian immigrant.

#10: Behold the powers of mud.

#9: Apparently, bleeding is a time-consuming process.

#8: Having permanent heat-sensing vision makes you nearly invincible.

#7: Native Americans are prone to cutting themselves with extremely large knives.

#6: If things go according to plan, Carl Weathers will soon be governor of Montana.

#5: Do not fuck with a minigun.

#4: When all else fails, emit a hellish scream and fire your weapon aimlessly.

#3: If a tree falls in the woods, hide under it.

#2: On most assigned rescue missions, something fishy is going on.

#1: My favorite Arnold movies are as follows: “Total Recall,” “Predator,” “Terminator 2,” “True Lies,” Terminator 3.”

Things I’ve learned from Built to Spill’s “Perfect From Now On”

You like Indie rock? I sure do. I’ve been searching out lesser known bands since my freshman year of high school. That was 1994. So fourteen years. I buy at least one CD every two weeks or so. Always something I’ve discovered online, read about in one of those Indie rock mags (Paste, Filter, etc.) or just learned about from conversations with friends that are into the same kind of tunes. This may sound ridiculous, but I’m proud to say I introduced The Killers, Modest Mouse, Franz Ferdinand, Wolfmother and several others I can’t readily recall to my entire friend base. I knew about these bands before everyone…before the radio, MTV, anyone. (It’s not arrogant if it’s true.)

But the band I stumbled upon that still reigns supreme over a decade later is Built To Spill – by far the best thing to come out of Idaho aside from potatoes. Doug Martsch is a legend, not only one of the most unheralded guitarist in the history of music but one of the best lyricists. It’s rare that you find a band you appreciate just as much at 28 that you did at 17. It’s like finding a hidden treasure.

This was especially true with BTS because I bought “Keep It Like A Secret” based solely on the band and the album’s name. I mean, how awesome is the name Built To Spill? How awesome are all their album names? And I liked the cover art, always a huge selling point for me. This is why I hate iTunes, even if they’ve recently included album art in a full album purchase. I love the tangible CD, the case, the liner notes. I’ll always buy CDs. Always.

So I was obsessd with “Center of the Universe” right off the bat. The rest of the CD slowly blew me away. The next day I went back to Strawberries – this long-defunct CD store I always went to (and sometimes stole from) – and bought “Keep It Like A Secret’s” predecessor, “Perfect From Now On.”

I fell in love. That summer I listened to PFNO everyday, all day, in headphones, on the stereo, everywhere. I bludgeoned my friends with it (many dug it, some not so much…honestly, I think they were too young for its genius). Two years later, entering college, I brought PFNO with me – along with many other Indie albums – and created tons of new followers (listening to it stoned helped immensely, too). To this day, and into the future (I’m going to a PFNO-only show in Philly in September), I am strongly affected by this album. It is one of my all-time favorites, and even gushing about it in a blog doesn’t do it justice. It’s a masterpiece.

So I’m changing the theme up a bit. Here’s some actual lyrics from the album’s songs. Lyrics I’ve learned the most from.

#15: “You thought of everything but one thing you forgot is you’re wrong.” (Over-analyzing won’t change things.)

#14: “Stop making that sound.” (Words can really hurt.)

#13: “You wouldn’t be if you could choose.” (Some things are simply just the way they are.)

#12: “No one wants to hear what you dreamt about unless you dreamt about them.” (Can there be anything more true?)

#11: “That net does not make me feel safe/All those holes make me nervous.” (Danger could be anywhere; just look hard.)

#10: “It feels like fingernails across the moon.” (Beauty doesn’t have to make sense.)

#9: “You cold-called everybody/But you haven’t sold a thing.” (Some excuses fool no one.)

#8: “And God is whoever you perform for.” (Whatever truly spurs you, you adore.)

#7: “It takes a lot to make me crazy, and a lot is always going on.” (Perfect.)

#6: “You don’t even know what it means to take your own advice.” (Don’t dish if you can’t take.)

#5: “I’m getting over getting mine.” (You can’t always have what you want. Deal with it.)

#4: “I can’t get that sound you make out of my head…it’s only small enough for me.” (In bed with your lover.)

#3: “A pinch felt in a dream.” (You don’t always wake up.)

#2: “You must have waited a long time/Bet you were disappointed.” (Sometimes, good things don’t come to those who wait.)

#1: “I’m gonna be perfect from now on, I’m gonna be perfect starting now.”

Things I’ve learned from Fourth of July weekend

I’ll tell you, maintaining a blog in the summertime is a difficult task. Especially when you have a full-time job and friends and family nagging you for your company. It’s even worse around Independence Day. Starting on Wednesday night (7/2) I haven’t had a second alone with the computer to write a new post. The days before that were nearly as hectic with this annual meeting my company has every year coming up this weekend and all the crazy preparation involved in that. So basically I’m making excuses for my absence. I know not many folks read my blog anyway, but I still like to post at least once a day for my own sake. I don’t like neglecting my writing.

Anyway, here’s my first entry in a week or so. And it’s about my favorite holiday aside from Christmas and Thanksgiving, of course. Fourth of July weekend is a blast. For those outside the U.S. (and living under a rock), this particular American holiday celebrates our country’s liberation from English rule. It was the day we basically told those Brits to F off. Most of us like to honor this royal up-yours with fireworks, BBQ-ing and alcohol (some of us honor the entire summer that way as well). You can learn alot from the festivities and tradition that takes place over these three days every year. Let me tell you what I’ve picked up.

#12: There’s always room for another tube of miscellaneous pig parts.

#11: No matter how many times the same explosion of pyrotechnics takes place, witnesses will be awed.

#10: Nothing says July 4th better than the crack of a baseball bat.

#9: Hangovers can last three days.

#8: Watching old people eat corn on the cob is gross.

#7: A man’s grilling abilities are always open for critique.

#6: Mixing carbohydrates with mayonnaise works almost every time (the exception: egg salad).

#5: Party Mix is the best snack invention of all time.

#4: A mass of people in ridiculous costumes waltzing down the street is acceptable – even applauded – behavior.

#3: Being full can last three days.

#2: America can be a half-decent place when it wants to be.

#1: I’m exhausted.

Things I’ve learned from Salvador Dali

As you can tell, I’m a Renaissance Man. My cultural spectrum is a blinding rainbow. I’ll write about movies just as much as books, books just as much as video games. And now we have art. Dali is a freak. I read a book about him called “Maniac Eyeball” where I learned that he once wrote in his journal that he dreamed about ass-raping his dead father. No kidding. He saw this fantasy as a domination thing – it was the pinnacle of power. In a weird way, I get that, although the image appalls and disgusts. But like I said, Dali was nuts, so I guess that’s par for the course.

But aren’t all artists nuts? Even us writers, toiling away in relative obscurity just to get our thoughts out, to get our passion onto a page, even if that page is electronic? We all have to be a bit twisted in the head to keep at it. I look at some of Dali’s paintings and I see that manic obsession, that desire to express his passion according to his rules, his parameters. Even if that means banging his dad.

Whatever gets you motivated, right?

#15: In case confirmation was needed, skulls are creepy.

#14: Be careful when cracking an egg.

#13: Propping your body parts on sticks is comfortable.

#12: When cultivated, there is no stopping the mustache.

#11: A woman’s face can be seen anywhere.

#10: Whatever you see, there’s something else.

#9: Swans are massive.

#8: In the desert there are elephant-giraffes.

#7: A floating flower is both beautiful and eerie.

#6: If you dream of fruit, be prepared to be awoken at gunpoint.

#5: A pair of lips looks like a couch.

#4: Be very diligent when shopping for pocket watches.

#3: There’s something sexy about a woman with shelves for legs.

#2: Long eyelashes are scary.

#1: An imagination is invaluable.

Things I’ve learned from “BioShock”

I got onboard the Xbox train a little late, so allow me the leeway to catch up. 

BioShock came out maybe a year ago amid much fanfare.  I remember my buddy bought it on my recommendation (I didn’t even have an Xbox then but would check out the games anyway on the offchance of convincing myself to buy one).  I went over his place and watched him play it for about an hour.  I thought it was okay.  And then we got trashed and I kind of forgot about it.

Then I was in Game Stop about two weeks ago and saw it used for 30 bucks.  So I bought it…and was unable to put the controller down until I beat it last night.  What an awesome game.  One of the best I’ve played in a long while.  Everything about it is original and compelling.  I’m telling you, if you own a Xbox and have yet to purchase this title, do so immediately.  Don’t get too drunk like me and forget about it.  You’ll be instantly obsessed.

So here’s some things I’ve learned.

#20: Even with glowing eyeballs, little girls are cute.

#19: Anyone who screams “You look just like her” is unstable.

#18: Aggressors will focus on a cowering phantom instead of someone shredding them with machine gun fire.

#17: “Would you kindly” isn’t kind.

#16: Whales dress up in armored suits.

#15: Bees are more damaging than an electric bolt.

#14: Every piece of equipment is made of jumbled pipes.

#13: Mexicans sell ammunition; clowns sell healthcare.

#12: People will confess anything to a tape recorder.

#11: When encased in an iron shell, your hands and arms will still remain uncovered.

#10: The ability to become all-powerful comes from a trout.

#9: There are many uses for a monkey wrench.

#8: Cigarettes are bad for you.

#7: Taking a Polaroid of someone makes them vulnerable.

#6: Men in scuba suits smell bad.

#5: A nine-iron is sharp.

#4: Surviving a fiery plane crash is easy if there’s an underwater city nearby.

#3: Ingesting too many genetic-enhancing chemicals makes you insane…and prone to waltz around half-naked when not self-imprisoned in a chamber.

#2: A steel arrow is more destructive than a shotgun blast.

#1: Ayn Rand would be proud.