I’ve been to Baltimore once, for the Preakness Stakes. That was six years ago I think, and I didn’t see one horse, one jockey or even the track. What I did see were drunks, puking and tits. Which was great. I’m sure there are plenty of beautiful locales all around that city. I’m sure these places aren’t swarming with boozehounds and boobs (too bad about the boobs part). And I’m sure most are the complete opposite of the representation shown on the most fantastic cable drama in existence, “The Wire.” This is an obvioius statement considering I’m a white person in my late twenties. Have you noticed that every one of us loves that show? It’s a phenomenon for discussion at another time and place. It’s a tightrope I’m not walking now.
Let me just say that even if “The Wire” portrays the worst parts of Baltimore (and maybe unrealistically), it still shows me more than I will ever desire to see of that town (horse race or no horse race). And when it comes to a city that really has nothing going for it, that’s counts for something. So here’s some things I’ve learned (and I don’t have HBO so don’t yet know what I’ll learn from Season 5).
#15: If you want to command universal fear and respect, carve a gigantic scar into your face.
#14: Alcoholic policemen are the most dedicated.
#13: Home improvement store salesmen may know volumes about nail guns but otherwise are incredibly naive.
#12: The best way to keep track of illegal activity is on a massive corkboard.
#11: All you need to take your own life is a necktie and a door knob.
#10: Loading and unloading cargo can be very dramatic.
#9: Miscreant police officers make trustworthy grade school teachers.
#8: You can find some crazy shit in abandoned houses.
#7: Cell phones aren’t private.
#6: A crackhead is very proficient at networking.
#5: Lesbian cops hate babies.
#4: Just because you’re a douchebag doesn’t mean you can’t be mayor.
#3: Some police officers have extremely good posture.
#2: Opening a boxing club will get you laid.
#1: Drug dealers are nice people.
