Things I’ve learned from “Wall-E”

Even though I’m 28, I love Pixar movies. I was hooked ever since I saw the first “Toy Story.” That movie revolutionized the animated film, in some ways for the worse as studios no longer hand-draw their illustrations. It’s all on the computer. I think that’s kind of sad because some of the best animated films are the old-fashioned kind: “The Little Mermaid,” “Beauty and the Beast,” Aladdin,” etc. But we all must adapt to technology, and if they can produce such amazing visuals with computer programs, I’m all for it.

My favorite Pixar movies, besides “Toy Story,” are “Monsters, Inc.,” “Finding Nemo” and “Ratatouille.” But really, they’re all good. Except “Wall-E.” That movie blew. And I say this with a heavy heart.

I had such high hopes when I entered the theater. I was really looking forward to “Wall-E,” and from all the reviews I read, I had every right to be. The first half-hour or so met all my expectations. Some spectacular things were taking place, all backed by a beautiful near silence. Then, just like that, everything fell apart. It became silly, mindless, and needlessly action-packed with stupid jokes and an annoying plot. I actually wanted to leave but stuck it out due to my respect for Pixar and the joy they’d given me for years.

Why did “Wall-E” fall flat on its face? Why did it creators decide to completely abandon the beauty the first half-hour was built on and instead chock it full of cliches and nonsense? I really don’t know. Maybe they felt they had to dumb it down for kids. Maybe they thought the message they were trying to send – more like trying to beat you over the head with – was enough to hold the movie together on its own, damn the clever script and subtly. Whatever it was, it did nothing for me at all, and the run of spectacular Pixar movies came to an end. Critics are telling everyone otherwise but don’t believe them. “Wall-E” sucked. And I may have learned more from it because it did.

#15: Not even Pixar can make a cockroach cute.

#14: If a robot somehow learns your name, it will recite it ad nauseum.

#13: The development of hovering motorcrafts that provide every possible desire is somehow a bad thing.

#12: A tiny robot can build perfectly proportioned buildings from trash that architects would take years to create.

#11: It is charming when your love interest shoots earth-shattering laser beams at you.

#10: If you wish to nurture a indestructible plant, stick it in the fridge.

#9: You can score oval-shaped chicks by being a packrat.

#8: A futuristic, high-tech ship operated entirely by robots still needs an incompetent human pilot.

#7: Fat people roll fast.

#6: When someone wants to hold you hand, hold their damn hand.

#5: You don’t need to ensure food, water, a job, a suitable home or even a change of clothes when convincing strangers to return to a ravaged planet.

#4: Robot healthcare is just as shoddy as ours’.

#3: The Rubix Cube will never die.

#2: BJ’s and Sam’s Club are pissed off.

#1: Don’t worry about littering, some electronic device will eventually pick it up.