Things I’ve learned from “The Dark Knight”

I swore I wasn’t going to cave in to the pulverizing temptation to blog about what I learned from the most creepily-anticipated movie ever made, “The Dark Knight.”  I promised myself I would not allow the phenomenom of the morbid to sweep me up in its black cape.  I would not ride the coattails of a dead antagonist.  But, alas, my struggle was pointless. 

I just saw “The Dark Knight” and it was very good.  It wasn’t “oh-my-god-someone-smack-me-in-the-face-with-a-wet-wash-cloth” good.  It wasn’t “let’s-go-out-for-drinks-and-talk-about-it-until-3-in-the-morning” good.  It was just very good.  And I say this despite the fact that two women in their late thirties sat in front of me with – no kidding – five children under 6-years-old.  The little girl of the group was no older than 3 and remained in her mother’s arms the entire movie.  The rest of the gang used their part of the aisle as a personal living room, sprawling out on the floor and exchanging seats at will.  One young lady who wished to get by was barred from doing so and had to turn around and walk out the other way – a much longer journey.  Oh, and the older women without the sleeping 3-year-old draped on her chest talked on her cell phone three seperate times during the actual movie.    They were rude, loud, and brought little children to a film they in no way could follow.  Basically, these people violated every rule of movie-going behavior.   

And I still was able to get swept up in “The Dark Knight.”

That says a lot.  There was so much to like about it.  And some things not to like.  And, yes, fine, Heath Ledger was awesome as The Joker, just in case you haven’t heard that already.  So, without further ado, allow me to cross over to the dark side and give you what I tried hard not to: what I’ve learned from “The Dark Knight.”

#25: The presence of a flaming firetruck in the middle of the street while transporting an individual marked for death is business as usual.

#24: If a nurse is wearing a uniform, he or she can gain access to a patient – even if that nurse is an obvious sociopath.

#23: Don’t drink alcohol when your life has been threatened.

#22: It’s okay to inexplicably unfasten a terrorist’s handcuffs. 

#21: “Why so serious?” Because you want to kill me.

#20: If you decide to participate in an elaborate bank robbery, become proficient at a variety of skills.

#19: When a demented man wearing makeup sticks a strange cylindrical object in your mouth, look dumbfounded and frightened instead of simply removing the object.

#18: To avoid facial disfiguration, always smile.

#17: Your level of intensity is directly related to the depth of your voice.

#16: Motorcycles with gigantic tires can climb walls.

#15: An average-looking woman has more appeal to fabulously wealthy and famous men than a bevy of stunningly hot hard-bodied chicks.

#14: Thinking on it, the bat suit is goofy.

#13: Instead of installing a metal detector, have a single man enforce a no cell phone policy.  The need for a frisking is also unnecessary.

#12: The final requirement to plunge into an abyss of madness is a partially burned face.

#11: Policemen are corrupt.

#10: A man who creates absurb contraptions for the use of an erratic and violent vigilant frowns upon heavy surveillance.

#9: Instead of telling someone you’d like to meet them at nine or utilizing cell phone technology, shine a caricature of them into the sky.

#8: When evacuating a city, start with a boatload of proven criminals.

#7: When one barrel of gasoline isn’t enough, use 300.

#6: It is acceptable to trust a single Asian with your entire fortune.

#5: If someone demands a coin toss to determine your fate, examine said coin first.

#4: If there is any doubt about a person’s insanity, see how they react when asked to set a mountain of cash on fire.

#3: Rich people have it made.

#2: When processing fat people into prison, check their stomachs for the protrusion of electronic devices.

#1: Don’t bring your goddamn toddlers to PG-13 movie at 9 o’clock on a Sunday.