Things I’ve learned from Led Zeppelin’s “IV” or “ZoSo” or “Symbols”

Led Zeppelin is the best rock band of all time.  There, I said it.  The quartet of Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and John Bonham make up the holy grail of musicians.  Each one is tops in their respective musical category.  Whenever I make these statements, I always get people arguing for The Beatles or The Rolling Stones or, unbelievably, Sting (kidding about that one).  These people don’t get it.  There’s a difference between revolutionizing music and being incredibly, unequivocally awesome.  Sure The Beatles may have changed the game, but Zeppelin perfected it. 

Now, you’re probably snickering because of all the Zep albums to learn from, I chose “IV.”  Of course he did, you’re saying, because he’s not a real fan and that CD is the most well-known.  If he was a real fan, you add, he’d have analyzed “Houses of the Holy” or, to prove absolute fandom, “Presence.”  Bullshit, I say.  I chose “ZoSo” exactly because its their most popular album, and thus more casual fans will read my post.  (You always got to think of your audience first.)  So here’s what I’ve learned.

#12: Old people with long beards have incredibly strong backs.

#11: If you desire an intimidating canine, buy black.

#10: There is no stronger urge to travel than to the West Coast.

#9: If a dam fails, head to the Windy City.

#8: Robert Plant had a crush on J.R.R Tolkien.

#7: It is appropriate to call yourself %@.

#6: The ideal time for a jaunt across the Alps is just before the dew settles.

#5: Apparently, music driven by powerful chords and drum blasts had been noticeably absent for quite some time.

#4: When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side 1.

#3: It is awkward trying to continue to slow dance as we wind on down the road.

#2: Three sticks is not enough and five is too many.

#1: Tons of women once wore flowers in their hair…and the members of Led Zeppelin had sex with most of them.

Things I’ve learned from “American Psycho” (the book)

I read too, you know. Actually, that’s one of my favorite things to do. I have a modest library: a filled bookcase, a desk with built-in shelves stuffed with books, a crate in storage with the unfortunate ones I couldn’t fit in my small, one-bedroom apartment. Beyond movies and video games and cruising the Internet, there is nothing better, nothing better, than reading a good novel. Damn, I’ve read so many. In the hundreds, no doubt. The thing is, it’s hard to remember the details of them all. Books aren’t like music or film, you can’t just recite the theme or a line or character details from the top of your head. Even the books that move you fail to be completely and utterly remembered. It’s impossible, even more so if you’ve read as many as I have. Sure, the masterpieces stand out, but even then they’re faded, an old newspaper caught in a thunderstorm. But I refuse to claim ownership of a blog that does not contain any commentary on quality pieces of literature. So here goes, the things I’ve learned (to the best of my memory) about Bret Easton Ellis’ classic, “American Psycho.”

#15: Do not, by any means, associate with someone who owns a pet rat.

#14: Do not trust well-dressed people.

#13: Upon entering an acquaintance’s apartment, ensure he or she does not own reams of tarp.

#12: Whitney Houston’s music is transcedental.

#11: Going to expensive restaurants every night and doing mounds of coke is somehow not entirely satisfying.

#10: If a rich person cooks you dinner, ask for the recipe.

#9: Thank God video stores’ business has diminished.

#8: If you notice a similarity in one’s appearance to another’s, request identification.

#7: Homeless people get a bad rap.

#6: At the risk of being morbid, you can murder someone with anything.

#5: Chicks from New York will fuck you regardless of the blood splattered all over your penthouse.

#4: If you wish to become a sociopath, you must own a large closet and freezer.

#3: Rough sex can be just that.

#2: Phil Collins is the greatest solo artist of all time.

#1: Bret Easton Ellis is one sick dude.

Things I’ve learned from “The Goonies”

If you were forced at flamethrower-point to name your top three favorite 80s’ movies, would one of them be Richard Donner’s classic about a band of misfits on a convoluted treasure hunt? Maybe, maybe not.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s not.  It’s probably number 24 or so.  But that doesn’t mean “The Goonies” isn’t a quality coming-of-age flick.  Especially considering it had to break through in a decade that bred this type of movie.  ”Sixteen Candles,” ”Fast Times,” Breakfast Club,” ”Pretty In Pink,” etc., etc.: there was such a surplus “Goonies” could’ve gotten lost.  But it didn’t.  Even if that’s mainly because of Chunk.  Here’s what else I’ve learned.   

#15: A suctioning projectile on a string shot from the chest of a healthy child is strong enough to drag said child across a parking lot and into a dumpster.

#14: When needing to stress a point, pull from an inhaler.

#13: At the bottom of a well is a labyrinthine wonderland.

#12: The great motivator for the disfigured is a chocolate bar.

#11: Any document drafted by an individual with one eye is valuable.

#10: People from diametrically opposed social circles will bond together when the creation of a golf course is proposed.  

#9: Italian moms are ruthless.

#8: Aaron Spelling saw something special in Mikey’s brother.

#7: In rare cases, redheads are better-looking than blondes.

#6: Do not be afraid to play a skeleton’s organ.

#5: When looking to upstage an abrasive boyfriend, creatively return his varsity letter jacket.

#4: When eating ice cream, slop it all over your face.

#3: If there is a shortage of technological advancements, enlist an Asian child to rummage through your junk drawer.

#2: The nickname “Mouth” has absolutely zero positive connotations.

#1: Pull-ups can not be done effectively without tiny shorts.

Things I’ve learned from “The Wire”

I’ve been to Baltimore once, for the Preakness Stakes. That was six years ago I think, and I didn’t see one horse, one jockey or even the track. What I did see were drunks, puking and tits. Which was great. I’m sure there are plenty of beautiful locales all around that city. I’m sure these places aren’t swarming with boozehounds and boobs (too bad about the boobs part). And I’m sure most are the complete opposite of the representation shown on the most fantastic cable drama in existence, “The Wire.” This is an obvioius statement considering I’m a white person in my late twenties. Have you noticed that every one of us loves that show? It’s a phenomenon for discussion at another time and place. It’s a tightrope I’m not walking now.

Let me just say that even if “The Wire” portrays the worst parts of Baltimore (and maybe unrealistically), it still shows me more than I will ever desire to see of that town (horse race or no horse race). And when it comes to a city that really has nothing going for it, that’s counts for something. So here’s some things I’ve learned (and I don’t have HBO so don’t yet know what I’ll learn from Season 5).

#15: If you want to command universal fear and respect, carve a gigantic scar into your face.

#14: Alcoholic policemen are the most dedicated.

#13: Home improvement store salesmen may know volumes about nail guns but otherwise are incredibly naive.

#12: The best way to keep track of illegal activity is on a massive corkboard.

#11: All you need to take your own life is a necktie and a door knob.

#10: Loading and unloading cargo can be very dramatic.

#9: Miscreant police officers make trustworthy grade school teachers.

#8: You can find some crazy shit in abandoned houses.

#7: Cell phones aren’t private.

#6: A crackhead is very proficient at networking.

#5: Lesbian cops hate babies.

#4: Just because you’re a douchebag doesn’t mean you can’t be mayor.

#3: Some police officers have extremely good posture.

#2: Opening a boxing club will get you laid.

#1: Drug dealers are nice people.

Things I’ve learned from the National Basketball Association

The NBA is at a crossroads, which is funny because I feel like the NBA is at a crossroads every three years or so. Before I continue, first a disclaimer. I’m not really a basketball fan. I’m moderately interested now because the Finals are occurring and I loathe the remaining two teams (Boston more so I’m pulling for the Lakers, however begrudgingly). So the following does not come from a tenured NBA fan. Just from a guy who loves and knows his sports. I’m just being honest.

Something the NBA should start looking into.

We’ll start with Donaghy because the controversy has reared its ugly head once more. And whether or not this punk is telling the truth about the other refs who’ve fucked the game over, it’s still distressing because it further validates what casual (ok, very causal) fans like me think about the NBA: that is an underhanded and impure league.

There are fights in hockey and (lame) fights in baseball but when a fight occurs in basketball (however limited) it’s always some disgraceful brawl that involves fans and chairs and, especially, cheap shots.

In no other sport do teams regularly “take a night off.” Try watching your city’s b-ball team play the second game of a back-to-back. You might as well stick another “L” in the scoring column. If a player has a bad night, that’s one thing. But in the NBA it’s like a team will just meet before a game and decide to phone it in. It’s sad and pathetic and an insult to fans everywhere, even those who don’t really give a shit.

Then there’s the bastards who even I can tell are in it just for the money. Maybe these fools exist in other sports but only in the NBA does their laziness and selfishness smack any half-awake person in the face. These chumps catch a pass or shot a basket with such a obvious lethargy and carelessness that it makes me sick. But come the final year of their contract, they miraculously experience a resurgence and become the story of the league.

So back to the crossroads. Does the NBA finally address all these shams it has condoned for years and attempt to more diligently purify the league (and making its players wear suits doesn’t count) now that the referee scandal has reached new bounds? Or does it again sweep its dirt under the rug until the dirt seeps out again?

Honestly, I’d rather just throw the rug away.

So from that perspective, and in honor of a classic series renewed (however minimally) I offer some things I’ve learned about the NBA.

#20: Tall men have abandoned mustaches.

#19: Centers would look funny in a cubicle.

#18: An injury requiring removal from the court in a wheelchair or teammates’ arms can be overcome in ten minutes.

#17: Sweat looks creepy in HD.

#16: An offensive foul is redundant.

#15: White men can jump.

#14: Every call a referee makes is wrong.

#13: When driving to the basket, as long as a player begins from just inside the three point line, dribbling is unneccesary.

#12: A sleeve that begins at the wrist and ends just past the elbow signifies coolness.

#11: A face mask reserved for broken noses can be worn solely for style purposes.

#10: It is hot on the court.

#9: You are not an exceptional power forward unless you have an obnoxious tattoo dedicated to a fallen acquaintance or your mother.

#8: After making an important basket, stare forward intently, purse your lips and shuffle backwards with your shoulders bobbing.

#7: The first 46 minutes of the game are useless.

#6: A slam dunk from the free throw line is no longer impressive.

#5: Unlike every other organized sport, it is acceptable if rap music is played during actual game action.

#4: The team’s mascot can have absolutely nothing to do with team’s name (the 76ers’ mascot is a rabbit named Hip-Hop. What!?)

#3: Some extremely large men have poor aim.

#2: Foreigners wear their hair long.

#1: Most players’ mothers are intimidating.

Things I’ve learned from “FFXII”

I was a sophomore in high school when Final Fantasy VII came out for PlayStation One. I was one of the first of my friends to buy it. I remember getting immediately sucked in and preaching its awesomness to everyone at school the next day. I was jeered a bit in the beginning; this was obviously before role-playing games blew up online and throughout multiple gaming systems, so my enthusiasm was very misunderstood. Once they decided to give the game a try, however, they were hooked. Our addiction got so bad I can look back at my yearbook from that year and scrawled in there are testimonies on how incredible FFVII is. One kid even called himself Cloud. And we were considered the cool kids of our grade.

I write all this because when I first played Final Fantasy XII, I got those feelings all over again. And I was 26 at the time. I had followed the series since VII and while I really liked X, XII fully renewed the awe I felt that first time way back in high school. I beat the game over a year ago and have moved on to other games since, but I still go back sometimes to work on ridiculously hard side missions; so much so that I’ve logged over 130 hours total (is this slightly pathetic as well? Yes.). For me, during the height of my FFXII journey, the game was a way of life. It possessed my thoughts. I actually hung the map that came in the game’s box on my fridge (again, I was 26 at the time). So you can imagine how much I’ve learned from FFXII. Actually, you don’t have to imagine…

#20: In effect, you can trade a bundle of sticks, a thimble and a piece of lint for the most amazing weapon on the planet.

#19: If you wish to become a savior, buy tons of hair gel.

#18: When needed, previously unseen members of the group accompanying you can appear from thin air.

#17: Only a man wearing glorified overalls has interest in mysterious treasure chests.

#16: Some townsfolk require an intermediary to exchange goods or information with a loved one who is just twenty yards away.

#15: An absurb amount of items can be carried in a precocious teenager’s pockets.

#14: After succeeding in an arduous battle, an unseen symphony will play.

#13: A glowing coat rack allows instant transportation to far off lands.

#12: A helmet works just as effectively even if you’re not actually wearing it.

#11: Adolescents, when equipped with spheres, are stronger than gigantic beasts.

#10: The correct pose for a variety of emotions, especially confusion, is clasping one’s hands behind one’s head.

#9: A mouse-like creature with a pom-pom suspended above its head knows all about the threats of the world.

#8: Vendors are indiscriminate.

#7: Tomatoes are angry.

#6: Giant birds can travel where small humans cannot.

#5: Sewer systems are fancy.

#4: A humongous sword, while slaying a monster, leaves no mark.

#3: If you wish to portray yourself a villian, wear ornate body armor.

#2: Massive diamonds will occasionally kill you.

#1: When FFXIII comes out, I will waste $500 on a PS3.

Things I’ve learned from “Ironman”

I’m a sucker for a comic book hero movie. I’ve seen every one since the first “X-Men” came out (the start of the trend in Hollywood). When I was a kid, I collected both comic books and Marvel cards. In fact, I still own Series 1 through 3 and all the related hollogram cards. I remember seeing the first series in a now defunct ice cream shop’s window for $40 and begging my Dad to buy it for me. I may have taken a card out of the binder the set came in only two or three times. What I’m saying is, I’ve always had an appreciation for these characters. I grew up with them, I know their ways. Even Mr. Sinister’s. But seeing “Ironman,” I learned something new.

#15: Even terrorists must understand no cutting-edge missile has arms.

#14: When attempting to keep surveillance of a captive, do not position the video camera behind a large closet.

#13: A space-age robot can be crafted from scraps of metal.

#12: Your assistant must be incredibly hot and fond of encasing your heart in glass.

#11: When holding a momentous press conference, sit on the floor.

#10: When test-driving your fire-spewing iron suit, find a room without fifteen exotic cars.

#9: Only when faced with death will manufacturers strive for consumer protection.

#8: When searching for a lovable asshole, look no further than a recovering drug addict.

#7: Newspaper reporters are sluts.

#6: Any man with a bald head and full beard should not be trusted.

#5: It is very cold high in the sky.

#4: Military personel react with amazing calm when informed via a phone call that the individual they’re speaking to is encased in a flying robot suit.

#3: Mechinized assistants are unable to determine when you are actually on fire.

#2: A thin, bespectacled man will prove invaluable in converying life’s ultimate lessons.

#1: It in no way compares to “Spiderman 2″

Things I’ve learned from Barack Obama

For years, it was possible to be hip and still follow politics. But when Barack Obama entered the picture, such a tremendous shift occurred that now it’s almost impossible to be hip without following politics. Which is great, really. The youth need to get immersed in who will run our country. You couldn’t have asked for a better lead-up to the presidential race than the slugfest that was Clinton/ Obama. To the victor go the spoils, they say, and for Barack, that means me discussing some things I’ve learned.

#15: Ensure your competitor looks like a clown when smiling.

#14: Drap yourself in the American flag at all times.

#13: If a relative is of a different race, find a way to constantly mention this.

#12: Recruit your child to promote your intentions.

#11: Never deny a good-looking white man’s support.

#10: If you plan on openly practicing your faith, have the head clergyman visit a psychotherapist.

#9: Do not participate in a “fist pump” unless you preface this gesture with a thorough explanation.

#8: Saying “Umm” often makes you appear charming and unassuming.

#7: Wear jewelry.

#6: If your audience is unsure of your position on a variety of political issues, become a proficient public speaker.

#5: When at a loss for words, shout “change”

#4: Convince a strange woman to make a song about you.

#3: Shake your fist alot…but gently.

#2: Arrange a meeting with Abercrombie & Fitch’s marketing department.

#1: Our next president will have protruding ears.

Things I’ve learned from “In Rainbows”

Radiohead’s awesome, there really is no argument. The only debate involves which album ranks as their masterpiece. The logical choice is “OK Computer” of course, and I suppose one could make an argument for “The Bends.” I’m not about to say “In Rainbows” is their greatest achievement, but the hype surrounding it is warranted. It is an amazing CD, regardless of how the band released it. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve gotten tingles. Here’s some things I’ve learned.

#15: If you plan on making a transcendental song, rework the track hundreds of times over many years.

#14: The fact that “fishes” is grammatically incorrect is of zero importance.

#13: Putting a “_” or a “/” between letters in a proper name somehow makes the / name_cooler

#12: A song titled “Nude” could never be bad.

#11: If you wish to avoid a shear drop, stop at 14 steps.

#10: If a woman’s smile reminds you of an Alice in Wonderland character, you should quickly petition for sex before she passes out.

#12: There are no DVD players in heaven.

#11: The minimum voluntary price of an album is $3. Pay any less and you are an asshole.

#10: Even if you can purchase an album for cheap online, you will feel incomplete until you own the actual CD and liner notes.

#9: Somehow, a dog trapped in a Ford Taurus during an Arizona summer is sexy.

#8: What would constitute a whine from another is genius from an middle-aged Englishman

#7: If you name your song after a horror movie, it must the loudest on your album.

#6: It will remain a perpetual mystery if ‘jigsaw’ indicates a puzzle piece or the actual tool.

#5: Screaming children make happy background vocals.

#4: Giving someone the ability to create his own track from your track will often result in disappointment.

#3: Some songs require an altered state of mind to recognize their full brillance.

#2: If you can instantly relate to “All I Need” then you are in love.

#1: Radiohead can do no wrong.

Things I’ve learned from Rachel Ray

Eating’s cool, if you like staying alive. The Food Network takes eating to a whole new level…and you can get it in HD! You think meat lasagna looks good coming out your oven? Wait until you see it in 2 million colors on your TV screen. Rachel Ray is a Food Network icon. Seeing her through crystal clear resolution has taught me a few things. She’s also been in the news lately. So here’s what I’ve learned from RR (that’s what her homeboys call her).

#10: To make a scintillating french bread pizza, you must have ginormous hands.

#9: Technically, a 30-minute meal should be prepared in 21 minutes to account for commericals.

#8: In reality, a 30-minute meal takes over an hour and, in many cases, is never accomplished at all.

#7: Don’t wear a scarf.

#6: If you insist on wearing a scarf, perform exhausting research to ensure said scarf does not indicate your desire to murder hundreds of innocent civilians.

#5: If you have extremely broad shoulders and tiny breasts, purchase cardigans.

#4: Any meal prepared by a short, stocky woman looks delicious at three in the morning.

#3: Buy lots of cheese.

#2: When gathering ingredients, speak in a deep tenor and slit your eyes often.

#1: To prepare a sumptuous steak, you must have humungoid hands.